|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Hogspore holds ‘Little Miss’ contest
Me and Punkin took in the Little Miss Hogspore Pageant Saturday, but it’s getting too
commercial. There was even a red carpet at the entrance to the high school auditorium,
not so much a carpet as two cans of red paint slapped onto the sidewalk Friday morning.
It was kinda creepy seeing them 9-year-old girls posing on the somewhat dry red
paint. Once everyone got into the assembly hall and stopped fidgeting in the low-bid
auditorium seats, the show returned to normal.
Cherokee Acorn won the gold-like tiara with her mother’s designed dress and her
performance in the talent portion of the contest. She wowed the crowd with her
Her dummy wore a black beret with white gloves and mime face. Marcelle pretended
to walk down stairs, played an on-the-scene reporter in a hurricane, and pulled an
imaginary rope. The public was as speechless as Mimey Boy, when he proceeded to run
in slow motion and then hit a wall. The finale demonstrated Marcelle slipping into a
coma. Cherokee unplugged his life support and ended the program when she laid him
to rest in his pine wood box.
Hardy Barkins was recollecting on his childhood. “I grew up without a father. My
grandparents and mother raised me. One of the toughest incidents for me to get
through was when I wasn’t able to go to the Daddy-Son Dance.”
The town is gearing up for Hollerween. Pumpkins are ready for picking. Sheriff
Combover is already giving advice on watching out for children running in the streets.
He’s also warning folks to keep their kids away from mean ol Harley Spears. “I have no
jurisdiction over Harley’s house, cause he lives outside the city limits. Mind that you
don’t take your youngins out there for treats. He is so rotten that last year he set out a
washtub on his front porch for the trick or treaters. It was full of colorful Tide detergent
Mumford Pickens says, “Reading a great classic book on Kindle is like enjoying fine
wine in a can.”
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