|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
We had us a fine turnout for the Columbus Day parade in front of the Courthouse
yesterday. Most of us don’t hold it against Christopher Columbus that he thought he
discovered America. Those were tough times, he probably coulda done better with one
of them GPS deals on his boat.
It musta been rough trying to take a reading with a sextant, what with 30 foot waves
crashing over the bow. He navigated by the stars. He could steer his way to Hollywood
Punkin is taking a jewelry making class in the Hogspore First Non-Denominational
Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners fellowship hall and kitchen and post
baptism drying off room. She’s learning how to fashion bracelets and necklaces.
Last year, chokers were included but all the married men in the room kept getting
the chokers a might too tight.
Punkin’s best friend, Skeeter Louise, is in her class, but she’s always joking and
slowing the group down. This week, Punkin is studying joining the ends of the necklaces.
Skeeter Louise keeps on wise cracking, so the teacher calls her the Clasp Clown.
The regular gang at Tony’s Barbershop was speculating on foods that they couldn’t
eat anymore. Mumford Pickens had an idea for a list. It could be treats that he'd attack
if he finished up in a hospice. We decided to name it the Kick the Bucket List.
My Kick the Bucket list will allow for spaghetti with cheese, hot yeast rolls with real
butter, and raspberry jelly doughnuts. Now, I don’t have to be afraid of checking into a
hospice. I’m looking forward to it, what with the great groceries and no worries about
any unhealthy long-term effects.
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