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2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Strong arm robbery suspect gets probation
We had us a strong-arm robbery a month ago. They caught the perp and he pled guilty. Judge Hawthorne said that since
this was his first offense, he was gonna let him rehabilitate during a 36-month probation.
The judge admonished, (That’s what they do, they admonish), “Son, if you have any more problems with the police,
I will extend your probation for another year. Every time you re-offend, I will give you more probation days until you learn
your lesson.” To make sure that everyone knew that he was a strict law and order man, he rapped his gavel twice, real hard.
Turns out, the defendant was a spectator at an arm wrestling tournament. 95 big-armed fellers arm-wrestled until there
was the two finalists remaining. Val Forge, blacksmith, won the championship and eight hundred dollars in cash.
Johnson Calamari, the perp, was waiting for him in the deserted parking lot. Val’s arms were so weak from the contest,
that he couldn’t stop the mugging. There were extenuating circumstances. Defense attorneys never have normal circumstances.
They’re always extenuating circumstances.
Hawthorne ruled, “Although the charge against Johnson was strong-arm robbery with intent to run over a law
enforcement officer, he didn’t use violent tactics when he took the money from the weary Mr. Val Forge. It might have
seemed like he aimed his car at a cop, but I think he panicked and didn’t mean to hurt anybody. Therefore, the verdict
doesn’t call for any incarceration.”
The prosecutor thought that the court was gonna throw the book at Calamari, but it merely waved a Reader’s Digest
pamphlet of the Five Commandments at him.
Pharmacist Doc Dreming is finally having his cataracts taken care of. Then he won’t keep mistaking the Allegra for the
Viagra. If you have sneezing that lasts more than 4 hours, get medical help right away. You could permanently damage your
nose. Doc will return to the drug store in October.
He has some advice for you married men what takes blood pressure medicine. “If you run out of BP pills before I get back,
send your wife out of town to spend some time with her relatives or friends till October, when you can refill more pills.”
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