|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Memorable Labor Day celebration
We had ourselves a memorable Labor Day. We celerbrated the worker and labor unions but nobody said anything nice
about Jimmy Hoffa. Morton Trubletoof added, “We ain’t heard a word from Hoffa in years. I wonder what he’s up to?”
I was thinking that he probably ain’t up anywhere but I only sez, “I know nothing.”
Mayor Deighed Ringer introduced the Labor Day Parade that afternoon. He proceeded to praise unions. It got right quiet
after he turned to the Hogspore High School Band of Assorted Alloys and ordered, “STRIKE up the band.”
Rabbit Season started on September 1. The daily limit is eight. The scientific name for eight swamp rabbits is a Bunny Bunch.
You can shoot, (harvest), a bunny with a .22 caliber rifle or pistol, nothing bigger. You can trap them in a box but that sounds like
something you’d get in a drive thru lane. Maybe buy your child a hoppy meal.
Is anybody pondering whether Sumner’s Pond is closed? Not if there is another day with temperatures over 70 degrees and
a quarter left in the pocket of at least one kid in the county.
Old man Sumner is still only charging 25 cents admission. But, he is there running the concession stand with prices so high
that it makes a convenience store look like a bankrupt dollar store. (This means that the charges are mighty expensive at the
Most folks living on the outskirts of town or living on farms have wells for drinking water and septic tanks for the less talked
about amenities. The Mayor hinted that there might be rebates coming for the households that are on the sewer system. He’s
gonna have to explain it better than he did. A lotta angry citizens don’t want any kinda sewage sent back to them.
Rest in peace John McCain and Neil Simon.
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