|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Punkin trying to sabotage diet
Punkin took treats to her book club meeting and brought home the leftovers. “Clet, would you like a doughnut?”
I thought, “Lookout, it’s a trick.” I sez, “No thank you, the doctor told me not to do pastries anymore.”
She said, “You’ve done real fine with your diet, so it won’t kill you to enjoy a sweet, one time a year.”
It felt like the Devil got a hold of my wife and I had to be strong. “I believe I’ll pass.”
“There’s two raspberry-fills left. I’ll just leave them on the kitchen table.”
I knew there was a pastry demon working amongst us, so I sez, “Why don’t you eat them or give them to our mule?
Sammule loves those jelly ones.”
Punkin asked, “What do you think will happen if you scarf down a single jelly-fill?”
What I said next, finally sent Lucifer packing and my wife came back to earth. I said, “For sure, I know what’s gonna happen.
I will find a way to swallow 12 more within the hour.”
I didn’t win my case cause I’ve been thinking nonstop for a week about doughnuts. I joined DD, Doughnuts Deglaze.
They don’t have a 12-step program cause it reminds you of a dozen and a dozen reminds you of doughnuts. When we fail,
we don’t call it falling off the wagon, we call it drowning in the deep fat.
The Equally Challenged Rodeo come through Muleberry County with their insanity themed program but no animal
or buckaroo was hurt. Now there’s an investigation underway with BUCK, the Bureau of Urban Cowboys and Kickers,
concerning the possible doping of the critters.
Somebody slipped the bull, Shock Therapy, enough elephant tranquilizer to put him to sleep for three days. The judges
suspected something was up. When Shock Therapy woke up, he grew 8-foot-wide pink ears and flew off in the direction of
Mumford Pickens says, “The dustiest and loneliest place in a hospice is the resident’s exercise and fitness center.”
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