|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Man so poor, zip code starts with a decimal
Hardy Barkins says, “I’m so poor that my zip code starts with a decimal point.”
Last Wednesday was International Cat Day. We don’t get a lotta international felines coming through Hogspore.
Mayor Ringer said, “I suppose if the overseas tabby tourist traffic picks up we might do something next year to acknowledge
our foreign feline friends.
We generally favor dogs, but mousers have their place, especially in the barn to dispatch the rodents. We do have a
hollerday set aside to honor them called Don’t Kick the Cat Day.”
Every so often, Punkin gets on a health crusade. This month it’s Iodine Supplementation. She gives me three drops of Iodine
daily in water. It’s supposed to give me extra energy and cure everything that might be wrong with me. If it works and gives me
more pep, then she’s gonna have to start taking something for her headaches each night.
I have a month of drops left. They’re not real flavorable, sorta tastes like band-aid water. I don’t like it but, like any other
reasonable married feller, I have to do it any way.
Old Man Grimely says, “Who cares that Honey Boo Boo is all grown up? I didn’t want to see her then and I do not want to
see her now.”
I was right thirsty yesterday. I remarked to Mumford Pickens that I was parched. We was outside, so I helped myself to
the garden hose, but I had to let out a few seconds of steam first. In the summer, the hose contents are about 2,000 degrees.
Mumford helped himself to a gulp or two. “Clet, remember when we got dry when we were kids, we just drank water,
like we did a minute ago? Now days though, it’s important for you to stay hydrated. A feller always has to carry a bottle of
store-bought purified hydrating fluid.”
I sez, “Yeah, I see the Mayor always toting around fancy package of French Eau.”
Mumford said, “You can still drink tap water when you’re thirsty, but it’s gonna cost you a lotta money if you want
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