|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Suspender's mutt demands conditions
Sara Suspenders’ dog, Buster, come running back two weeks after the Suspenders’ hot tub fire. During that time,
Jimmy’s been sleeping in the backyard in a hammock. It’s not too bad till you consider that the napping net only hangs
from one tree, so he’s swinging there like a cocoon. In Sara’s words, “Like a big, dumb, idiotic, incompetent, stupid, cocoon.”
The mutt demanded some conditions for a state-of-the-art den before he agrees to stay. He hired an attorney from PETA,
Pets with Egregious Tenancy Arguments.
He also requires his shelter to be equipped with heat and air conditioning. Buster is asking for an upgrade to Alpo or
a suitable brand name chow. There’s also a requirement for Internet and Wi-Fi with a lifetime online streaming subscription
to Dog Gone Wild.
Punkin took a correspondence course a few years to be a flight controller. She’s thinking about taking a program on another
subject, but she still remembers how the air traffic class turned out. She lost her entire tuition cause it was a fly-by-night
company. We shoulda known better since it only cost 40 dollars and the name was ATC, A Crash Course.
My wife wants to enroll in Mary Reynolds Pine Needle Basket Weaving, (coiling for you experts). I hope she don’t sign up.
I see myself raking up needles from the front yard and washing chicken scat out of buckets of straw.
When I was courting Punkin to win her over, I woulda gladly done some chores that I won’t do now. Combing through pine
needles and separating out poultry poop is number two on my Don’t Do Do list. I can’t tell you what number one is without
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.