|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Jimmy builds hot tub for wife
You may think you know Jimmy Suspenders. He’s always getting in trouble with his wife, Sara. He even makes her angry
when he’s trying to do something nice for her. But, you don’t know Jimmy.
I thought I knew him somewhat but my thinking changed when I saw him at his house. He was building a hot tub outta
leftover wooden pallets. He had the sides and bottom finished and was working on the liner to hold the steaming water.
If you guessed that he was making it out of a thick sheet of plastic, well, you woulda been wrong. I could go on for a while
with what you might have figured would be appropriate but it would be late in the day before you found that he was using
aluminum foil. He musta gone through 300 boxes of aluminum wrap.
The finished spa was sparkling in the backyard and could pick up TV channels bounced off satellites, maybe some secret
code from them nosy Martians.
Jimmy built the hot tub on a base of more wooden platforms. He scraped out a patch of yard underneath for the designated
heating pit. I sez, “What’s gonna happen when your spa catches fire with those dried up supports hanging
over the flames?”
“I’ll keep the flames down real low to only heat the water without burning them dry pallets.”
It’s hard to stop a moving train, but there’s no stopping a feller with a brilliant idea. I sez, “Looks like you knocked
yourself out a foolproof plan.”
I had to leave, but that night I seen this huge black cloud toward the Suspenders’ place. They was both up to their necks
relaxing in the fancy bath, sipping on some untaxed whiskey.
Jimmy’s plan was perfect, cept he didn’t take into account that he was a Hogspore man. In our town, there is no such thing
as a small fire. Menfolk here like to toss wood onto a blaze till they run out of wood. Everything was fine till he remembered
the pine table that was stored in the barn.
Once the table was burning, the Suspenders had to escape. The pinewood support was roaring in flames. What saved the
barn was that the sparks drowned out, right after the liner melted in the frame.
Course, the fire truck showed up late. The volunteer crew and the crowd stayed for six hours afterward. You woulda
thought they were there to make certain the embers was for sure out, but the people stayed cause they were still laughing
til the sun come up that morning.
Jimmy was bragging that even though his wife was mad, he didn’t have to sleep in the doghouse. That’s cause the doghouse
went into the inferno at the same time with the pine furniture. Sara’s genius husband is gonna be in serious
difficulty … if he can’t find her dog.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.