|The Funniest Newspaper Column
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National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Promise, two syllable word for "lie"
Mayor Ringer is gonna run for re-election this November. He’s already working on campaign speeches and promises.
He’s gonna need a substantial political platform cause he’s gained a considerable amount of weight since the last election.
Mumford Pickens says, “A promise is merely a two-syllable word for a lie.”
Otto, the otter, swam into a canoe powered by an electric trolling motor with six car batteries. Six batteries is the state limit
for one canoe. He ended up at the animal hospital, but they couldn’t save his tail.
Granddaughter Evangeline remembered that folks in Florida had fashioned a new tail for a dolphin. The Clearwater Marine
Aquarium said it could help. Later, Hogspore discovered that Otto would have to stay in Florida to film a movie and
then entertain tourists the rest of his life. The aquarium didn't have any funds set aside for any damaged Ozarks otter, so they
weaseled out of the deal.
We found an answer. Scooter from You-Pull-It-Cause-We-Don’t-Want-To-Salvage Yard said, “I believe I found a rear end
for Otto. It will take a few weeks, but a bionic rudder is on its way from OtterZone.”
What did the librarian say to the customer who checked out a Braille copy of War and Peace? “Dot’s a lot of reading.”
If you’re blind and that joke offends you then blame it on the friend who read it to you.
Duncan Winslow fried up 1500 flapjacks for his annual Pancake Breakfast Saturday. Duncan was moving so fast that
three spatulas melted from the heat until he switched to something he come up with called a water-cooled pancake turner.
He started cooking at 6 AM and stacked up a pancake pile so high that it shaded him from the sun coming up. Duncan’s wife
and children served from the top of the storage stack from 8 AM and didn’t stop till noon.
The Winslow’s Holler Lion’s Club furnished the sorghum syrup. The pancakes were a might chewy, so even with plenty
of sorghum syrup, there was still a lotta sore gums.
Punkin tells me that I shouldn’t make fun of people, but I think it’s OK if they mock you first. It’s not wrong cause
you’re only paying them back. I’ll have to ask Preacher for a decision. He might agree with me if I give a dose of double
tithing this Sunday.
Most of our townfolk don’t have much book learning. Somewhere in their Alma Maters is the word Elementary.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.