|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Whoop Dee Doo time on the fourth
We had us a Whoop Dee Doo Fourth of July. There were so many grills cranking along that the black cloud started a
thunderstorm when it floated over Winslow’s Holler. Winslow’s Holler people are mighty industrious. They collected the
rainwater, added some honey to it, and boiled it down to barbeque sauce.
Mayor Ringer acquired some foreign fireworks from Venezuela. It weren’t real patriotic but they were cheap. The rockets
and explosives were fashioned from the confiscated weapons taken from the Venezuelan citizens. Our townfolk enjoyed the
display and it reminded us of our freedom here. I do reckon that our whole country is in complete agreement that weapons
confiscation ain’t gonna happen in this land.
Old Man Grimely says, “You may not have many years left when you’re a Senior, but you have a lotta free time before you
leave. Trouble is you have to spend the extra time trying to remember everything.”
The boys over to Tony’s Barber Shop fell into discussion about what a Funny Farm is. We agreed that it was an institution
where the residents don’t behave normally, also with a few Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, and all Communists.
(If you’re a Communist, I was only joking, Comrade. I’ll see you at the meeting tonight.)
Morton Trubletoof suggested another idea. He said, “I think it means a place where they grow and raise stuff that make
you laugh.” Here’s a list of what we came up with for a Funny Farm: The goats are always kidding. The pigs like to perform slop
stick. They love the attention. They’re hams. The chickens can’t do comedy. They try, but they always lay an egg. They can’t even
come up with a decent yolk. The ducks quack everybody up. The mules get a kick outta playing practical jokes. There’s a giggle
of geese swimming in the pond. Even the animals horse around.
Most homesteads have an acre or two of Collard Grins and Chuckleberries. Mama puts mustard in Papa’s pancakes cause
she loves a good gag. She uses the cabbage to create Droll Slaw. The children help Grandma in the kitchen making cinnamon
Hardy Barkins and his wife are expecting their second child, a girl. Hardy works at Bickum’s Hardware, but he don’t bring
in much money. He has three acres where he raises their food, but they ain’t rich. He said, “We’re not quite middle class folk,
more like Upper Fringe. We do like to spoil our first-born, Bob, now that he can drink sodar pop on his own. He favors the
bottles with his name on them. It’s more expensive, but we buy them cause it’s the only luxury we have now.
We don’t know how to manage with the baby coming. Once the baby daughter notices her big brother sipping sodars
with “Bob” on them, she will want one with her name on it. That’s why we’re naming her Coca Cola.”
This date marks the eleventh anniversary of the News from Hogspore. There’s ain’t no doubt that I’m ready for the
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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