|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Banjo playing dog replaces eight track
Three weeks ago, my eight-track player in my truck chewed up a tape and black smoke spewed out of the dashboard
speakers. I don’t want to buy another sound system, so I had an idea.
My dog, Ol Slump, is a right smart mutt, so I been taking him for banjo-learning music lessons. He’s usually with me in the
truck so now he can play bluegrass songs while we’re tooling up the road. Ol Slump is a pro on the banjo. He must have an ear
for it, but it took a while for him to learn to pick with his head sticking outta the window in the wind.
We got a flat on Highway 71. While I changed the tire, he fired up his banjo with a favorite bluegrass tune called
The Muleberry County Line Breakdown in A-Flat.
Cousin Jim, who lives up in the mountains, climbed down to visit for a few days. He ain’t used to indoor facilities or toilet
paper. We discussed which way the tissue should roll off. I’ve always had the roll situated so the angel softness comes from
Jim said, “I figure if I had to make a decision on it, I would prefer the paper to come off the bottom. Seems like that’s how
you’re gonna use the stuff when it gets to your rump.”
Cousin Jim marches to the beat of a different dumber.
Old Man Grimely’s tenth wedding anniversary is coming up on July Fourth. It’s important cause he’s so grizzled and his bride
is smooth and ungrizzled. The townfolk have an interest cause there is always a hefty amount of cash wagered on when she will
become a widow.
There probably won’t be much money bet this time since the townfolk snapped up some scoop on Mrs. Grimely. She has
been telling anyone who will listen that her husband is failing so badly that it could be any day now. She then takes the bets
that he will die this year and cleans up when he’s still alive on their next anniversary. The truth is that Grimely is perking along
just fine, and she’s the one that is always tired in the mornings.
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