|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Only six months till Christmas
If anyone comes up to you today and says, “Only six months till Christmas,” you should scratch their name off your gift list.
Punkin give me a nice Timehex watch for my birthday, made by a company out of Salem, Massachusetts. It’s got a lot of
time keeping features. At first, I thought it even had a spell checker. Turns out, it was a spell chucker. I can cast a hocus-pocus
on anybody directly from my watch. It’s also solar powered. The sun runs my sundial too, but it ain’t the same thing. Any
leftover energy that the timepiece don’t use, I can sell to the power company.
I hooked it up to my toaster to transfer the electricity to the county electric company. Maybe I should probably look at the
directions. My toast come out fine but I earned a burn on my wrist.
The timepiece is water resistant to 100 meters. I’m sorta embarrassed to ask an expert if I can wash dishes whilst wearing
my manly timekeeper. I think it would be safe unless the kitchen sink is deeper than 328 feet.
Hogspore dentist Brace Gumm has a great respect for teeth. His wife, Ora Lee, said, “He doesn’t show any favoritism over
one tooth from another, however he has been known to be real friendly to canine teeth by offering, ‘Who’s a good little canine?
You’re a clever pearly white. Yes, you are.’”
Jimmy Suspenders caused a commotion in Doc Spicer’s examining room. Here’s Jimmy’s side of the story about what
happened: “There was a screen on the table that let patients view medical type videos. The nurse was checking my blood
pressure and I wanted to see a video. The screen said, 'Touch anywhere to begin.’ I tried it but the movie didn’t work and the
nurse slapped me.
A poster on the wall read Four Signs That You Might Faint: Fever, Low Sugar, Dehydration, and Fear. The fifth sign should be
when your doctor gives you the bill.”
Mumford Pickens says, “If a comedian publishes a book after he dies, then it is a posthumorous publication.”
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