The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News

National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column

                                                                        Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                                             By Clet Litter
                                                                       More speeches than a conference

       It’s gonna be 94 degrees here today. If we lived in Ukraine, we could blame the high temperatures on Chernobyl warming.

       Me, Punkin, and friends took in the High School Graduation this year. In my time, there was only one valedictorian,
mainly cause there weren’t that many that made it to the twelfth grade. This time there were five valedictorians and more
speeches than at an Amway National Conference.

       They all had wise stories to share, and maybe they were wise … to 18 year olds. They talked about goals. Roger Barrel,
star senior football quarterback, got confused and bragged for twenty minutes on the number of touchdowns his team
completed last season.

       Course, the best joke of the day come from Barkley Spellbetter, the principal, who said, “I commend you scholars for
completing the 12th grade, even though most of you think an Alma Mater is what a graduate slices and slaps on a sandwich.”

       The First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners are planning a fish fry to take up money
to refurbish the seating. Once they get enough funds, they will re-pew the sanctuary. We had something like that in Muleberry
County when we asked for bids to push more dirt over the Mulberry Heights Landfill, cept they called it de-pewing.  

       Young fellers were upset cause they visit the landfill to shoot rats at night. The Mulberry County commissioners weren’t too
sympathetic about their concerns. They wrote a letter to the rat-plinking boys, “From now on, you’re gonna have to buy or raise
your own meat for suppers.”

       Hardy Barkins works at Bickum’s Hardware. He said, “This Friday we start the Bickum’s Annual Twice a Year Sale.
We’re removing the tags for the event. Instead, we’re scratching the price onto the bottom of a stone in front of each item.
Our sale prices are rock bottom.”

       Here’s a poem penned by Widow Fenster. I told her I would run it in the news if I wrangled a homemade blackberry pie
out of it. It felt like I was taking a bribe till I wedged out a slab for consumption. I thought it was my conscience bothering me.
Turns out, it was just hunger. I washed the pie plate and returned it, so there’s not a lick of evidence against me.

       Off and On
       By Lenore Fenster

       Procrastination is easy to do
       While living at the beach
       But, it can turn deadly in a hurricane
       When sailing on a reach.
       Putting things on
       Is proper in the morn.
       But, putting things off
       Will make you mourn.

       Morton Trubletoof usually don’t keep up with who passes away in town, but he read about them a week ago.
He said, “It looks like families and close friends are dangerous to your health. There were too many obituaries that
show people dying with their family and loved ones’ surrounding them.”

       You can contact Clet Litter at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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