|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Folks getting ready for coma contest
Doughnut Week commenced Friday. Folks are taking naps today after eating sinkers for three days to maintain their high
sugar levels to compete in the Sweetest Hogspore Citizen Not In a Coma Contest tomorrow night. The smart money is on
Spencer Hurdster to bring home the A1C crown again. He is training by running 15 miles a day while eating four dozen sticky
Spencer has a backpack that drops a doughnut into his hands. Every 3 miles one of his five children will offer him a
Mountain Dew and a handy wipe to clean the sugar coating off his fingers.
Earl Matthews was married for 55 years. Mrs. Matthews babbled constantly. When she died, everyone knew she was
dead cause she’d stopped speaking. During her long-winded marriage, nobody could squeeze a word in, so she had to keep
making new friends.
I never heard Earl utter a single sound in her presence. Some older members of the church remember that the last words
that he ever said in those 55 years in his wife’s company were, “I do.”
Earl was such a devoted husband that he visits her grave each morning … and talks nonstop to her for hours.
Jimmy Suspenders says that he messed up, even though his wife is happy. “Clet, I read that to create an uncluttered house,
you should remove stuff that you haven’t used in six months or that you won’t touch again. I mentioned this to Sara, and she’s
onboard with it. She set about making a list of items to throw away. She wants to donate most to a charity; she would burn the
rest out back.”
I sez, “That sounds like a fine idea, but why are you worried if she’s not mad at you?”
“I knew I was in trouble today when I saw her Get Rid Of list. At the top was, ‘Call a divorce lawyer.’”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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