|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Hogspore got through another Mother’s Day celerbration without a family fight or sibling shootout. It mighta helped
that there’s a temporary shortage of moonshine this month. The price was so low that out-of-town speculators bought up
the whole supply.
Shine manufacturer, Mumford Pickens announced, “I don’t want to make my local customers mad, so I’m only raising
the cost for non-Muleberry County residents. Now, you can stop lobbing rotten eggs at my house.”
Harley Spears is well versed on pioneer ways and living off the land. Well versed don’t mean that he knows any wilderness
poets by name. His hide tanning experience includes craft that primitive people used for preserving animal skins.
He’s teaching a class on tanning. He signed up a bunch of folks before they realized that the hide tanning course was to
teach discipline to parents with sassy youngins.
Widow Fenster has a fluffy toy poodle she calls Fee-Fee, cause the vet bills are so high. The dog is about 12 years old,
and she carries it everywhere. The dog don’t ever get to use her own paws for walking or running.
Vet Muley saw Fee-Fee for a check up, and he mentioned something to the Widow Fenster that made her break up and
cry for an hour till he explained what he meant.
The checkup’s outcome was favorable. Doc said, “She seems to be doing first-rate for a 12-year-old pet, but I think she
needs more exercise to keep her weight off. I notice you always carry her.”
“Yes, I tote her and I like doing it.”
Here is what caused the pet lover to commence wailing and moaning about her poor poodle. Doc Muley offered,
“Well, because of her age, I recommend that you decide to put Fee-Fee down.”
Morton Trubletoof and me sat facing two enormous pizzas over to Gigante’s Pizza Palace. When we waddled on up to
the counter to pay, Morton asked Luigi, “Are you related to the Gigante’s Pizza chain up in Mena, Arkansas?”
Luigi said, “No, it’s just a coincidence. Gigante is a fairly common Italian name, like Smith is a common name.”
Morton looked a little puzzled. “Huh, I wouldn’t have figured Smith to be an Italian name.”
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