The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News

National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column

                                                                             Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                                                  By Clet Litter
                                                                               Widow Fenster writes limericks

      My 2009 to 2018 work truck is close to worthless. It started out as a new Ford. It’s a mutt now, but she still has her father's
headlights. When I fill her full of gas, the vehicle’s value doubles.

      Widow Fenster, noted Hogspore writer and wealthiest resident in Larry‘s Assisted Living Facility, was sipping too much
moonshine, so she began writing limericks like Mumford Pickens does. Here’s her latest:

      “One Door Closes, Another Doesn’t Automatically Open. You Have to Open It Yourself”

      There once was a theater director of yore
      Who owned a stage prop store.
      He hired an actor to paint it white
      But, when he found it ebon with fright,
      He said, “Go, and never again darken my door.”

      There’s one older town native, Lester Sprigwater, what’s real well off too, but only cause he lives well off in the
mountains now.

      I already got my momma her Mother’s Day present. I dug up a photo of me from the fourth grade holding my award
certificate of Nearly Gifted. I got it blowed up and positioned in an expensive $1.99 picture frame. The last sentence is what
we call an aftershock joke.

      I have to buy Punkin a nice offering. Course, she’s not my momma but I can’t afford to leave it up to our grown-up children
to come through. Their gift to her is that neither of them is on probation anymore. The final line is a made-up gag.

      My children ain’t really ever been to jail … cause they ain’t been caught yet. This statement is a milder follow-up chuckle.
It’s supposed to let you down some so you won’t keep laughing so hard that you get hurt.

      I tried to tell Punkin that Housewives of Hazard County weren’t on TV no more. Punkin said, “Clet, I didn’t just fall off the
turnip boat yesterday.”
      You can contact Clet Litter at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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