|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
No farmers were sold at market
Hogspore planters had a pitiful harvest last fall. Some of them don’t have money to live on. A clump of them got together
and formed a weekend Farmer’s Market to raise funds to help their families pay bills. So far, no farmers have been sold yet.
This month, we had five Mondays. That’s too many Mondays and not enough Fridays. Course if you’re a working
homesteader, the only thing noticeable about one day from another is the spelling.
City Council was considering adding four-way stop signs at the busy corner of Main Street and Tin Mule Road. At the first
hearing, Morton Trubletoof spoke out against the signs. He said, “I use that intersection a lot and I can’t stop four times each
time I go through there.”
The circus is visiting and camped out at the Muleberry County Fair Grounds. Before they arrived, Sheriff Riley Combover ran
background checks on the employees. One positive report came back on a clown. He lost his driver’s license for operating
a Fiat 500X with thirty-five passengers.
Riley won’t run inquiries on the performing animals, cept for the tigers. We think it’s cause his momma read him Winnie the
Pooh books and always changed Tigger into a bad varmint with a record.
Me and Punkin attended the Big Top. Sheriff was there to make sure the midway games were not crooked and to pick up his
usual law enforcement donations from the game booths. The entertainment carried on till a yellow Fiat 500X hanging from
a safety harness started to roll across the tightrope walker’s wire.
The crowd loved it when the four-seater come to a standstill in the middle of the cable. Thirty-five clowns tumbled out,
skittered over the top of the car, and got back in. The sheriff was waiting for the performers when they reached the sawdust
floor for their final Bows and Ta-das.
The driver was the same jester that didn’t have a license. Riley Combover arrested him and charged him with driving
At the arraignment the Bozo’s wife, (this don’t mean that all husbands are Bozos), argued that since the alleged driving
while suspended took place on the high wire, her silly spouse should have been assumed to be above suspicion.
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