|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Squalor in the Holler celebration smells up community
File your taxes, but you can do this tomorrow.
This year Duncan Winslow is Grand Marshal of the Squalor Parade. It occurs in the second week of the two-week Squalor
in the Holler Celerbration. That gives the community a week of festivities to get the whole place stinking with piled-up garbage
and uncovered compost heaps with marinating catfish parts.
The parade ain’t all it’s supposed to be. There’s a lotta pretty girls on the three floats, but they’re wearing face masks,
so they can breathe through the flies and sweet smell of garbage. It takes about a month to return to normal after Jake,
the only garbageman, returns from his annual 14-day vacation.
Hogspore is gonna fair much better unless the wind from Winslow’s Holler shifts south to Hogspore. Our Pass It On Down
the Line Garage Sale has something new this year. The sale will allow parents that are living in their adult children’s homes to
move to their next-door neighbor. We’re in luck cause both of our neighbor’s parents died last December. Rest in peace, but
not in our home.
Garret Calmly works at the sawmill. A while ago, he was worried that he might lose his job. Doc Spicer convinced him to stop
worrying. He told Garret, “There ain’t much chance that you’re gonna lose your wood cutting career. You’re the only one down
there that’s still got most of his fingers.”
We had Pollard Finley, the retired appliance salesman, over to fine-tune our washing machine out in the barn. We have
room for it in the house, but Sammule, our mule, likes to listen to the spin cycle before he goes to sleep. Sometimes, we even
have to run the empty washer so our mule can grab some shuteye.
I told Sammule that he can’t fall asleep cause he didn’t put in a full day’s work. He didn’t agree, and he tried to kick me.
I don’t think he really meant it. He knows I would kick him back.
Mumford Pickens says, “You know the marriage is over when your wife offers to drive the car and let you enjoy the ride …
and then reaches across to turn off the passenger side air bag.”
I seen an ad in the paper for a bicycle. “For sale. Bicycle never used. Huge basket, easy to ride, still in the box.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.