|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Contest winner tells where she'll be in a year
I was reminiscing in my senior yearbook. My picture didn’t turn out real handsome cause I was going through a bad patch of
pimples. I was Most Papular.
The winner of the beauty contest from March 24th was Edna Snapfishton, a waitress from Maude and Freddy’s Come-On-
Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner. She’s Maude’s niece. Her answer to the question, “Where do you see yourself in one year?”
won her the title.
She announced, “I see myself celebrating my well-paying job at Bickum’s Hardware, (the sponsor of the beauty contest),
hoping to spend many decades offering customers honest low prices and great values on the various fine items offered on their
fabulous showroom floor.”
The discussion in Tony’s Barbershop was about how things change. Mumford Pickens started off by saying, “I met Slim,
a friend from high school. He found out that I stayed in Hogspore. Slim said, ‘Yeah, tiny town life is fine but you know it’s
changed since then.’
I saw his size 52-inch waist, ‘You’re right there, there are changes, but there’s an awful lot that hasn’t changed.’
Slim excused himself cause he was late for lunch and I reminded him, ‘Well, you were always hungry and that didn’t
Then the fellers in the barbershop started coming up with stuff that remains unchanged. Receding hairlines and bigger pants
weren’t on the list.
Here’s what we got for aspects that have not changed: a smile, the smell of a neighbor mowing his lawn, (the smell of the
mowed lawn, not the neighbor), a single engine plane pulling an advertising banner, the sound of ocean waves and sea gulls,
the silence in the mountains, a brook, a laughing baby, and a campfire smell. There was more but I ran out of time, which also
Last Sunday on April 1st at the end of the sermon, Preacher invited folks to give their lives to the Lord. The choir sang softly
in the background. He prayed, “I’m feeling that someone out there has heard the call. Please come forward now, repent, and
accept God into your life.”
Morton Trubletoof rose and walked up to the front like he was stepping up to receive an Oscar. Preacher let the choir finish
the last verse before he shook his hand and welcomed Morton into the Hogspore First Non-Denominational Church of
Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners.
Morton smiled and then shouted out “April Fool’s” as he walked back to his pew. Nobody in the congregation wants to be
anywhere near Morton Trubletoof during the next thunderstorm.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.