|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
April Fool's Day right around the corner
April 1st is Morton Trubletoof’s favorite time. I sez to him, “April Fool’s Day is right around the corner.” He turned and
walked around the corner and I haven’t seen him since.
Sumner’s Pond is officially open for the season, but nobody’s going near the place yet. Sumner blowed up over 200 truck
inner tubes just before it snowed. Once the snow melts, he could actually rent a few to some thick-blooded teenage boys.
The Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner bought a year’s supply of lard. Maude and Freddy are celebrating with a big
cookout with aged Oak and Pine logs soaked with the four barrels of used grease behind the restaurant. Fresh lard means Extra
Crispy Everything is back on the menu.
Duncan Winslow from Winslow’s Holler has improved the communication system on his farm. He has a four-foot wide
slingshot to shoot lead balls across the valley. Each lead ball can hold a written message inside.
Duncan calls it Holler Texting. He is also selling motorcycle helmets to those folks that might be receiving a text from him.
Chief Sitting Quietly took a course last year in tax return preparation. The Chief handled a lot of IRS business for the good
folks of Hogspore. He had to quit cause most of his clients got audited for claiming exemptions for tribal expenses, often called
the Squaw Elizabeth Warren clause.
In order to remain politically balanced, even though I could be a little unbalanced myself, Mumford Pickens told me that
the White House is going to start using Personnel One Temporary Staffing Agency to help fill cabinet members and government
Royal wedding invitations from Prince Henry of Wales and Ms. Meghan Markle are on their way. The Royal Hitching occurs
on Saturday, May 19th at Windsor Castle at noon. You’re gonna have to leave about five hours early from your hotel because of
There’s a recommendation on the invitation: Don’t hire a Mercedes-Benz to get to the castle and don’t try to escape the
Paparazzi. If you’re driving from Paris, take the ferry. DO NOT use the Tunnel.
Harry and Meghan have been practicing referring to themselves by their real first names of Henry and Rachel to avoid the
embarrassment of calling out the wrong name on their honeymoon.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.