|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Beauty Contestants use props from Bickum's Hardware store for dance routines
The annual beauty pageant is set for March 24 at the high school auditorium. The sponsor this year is Bickum’s Hardware.
Junior Bickum is paying for the auditorium rental and the band, so he’s making every contestant use a prop from Bickum’s store
Wilma Duderflap drew the short straw, so she has to incorporate a pressure washer into her dance routine. The first
three rows are required to wear ponchos and safety goggles, both of which are conveniently on sale at Bickum’s Hardware.
Wilma’s presentation will include the song “High Pressure Cleaning in the Rain.”
Here’s a riddle for you: When can a husband take down a missing neighborhood cat’s picture from the refrigerator?
Answer: Only when his wife tells him it’s OK to remove the photo. If you sell the house, the missing cat image and
refrigerator convey to the next homeowner.
The usual gang that hangs out at Tony’s Barbershop had another argument going on this week. Mumford Pickens and
I agreed that bright red is the best paint color for a 2018 truck. Morton Trubletoof and Jimmy Suspenders thought that it
didn’t matter what color it was cause it’s gonna get scratched up and fade from age and weather exposure.
Mumford won the argument when he asked Jimmy and Morton, “When you picked out your special gal to marry,
was she pretty or did you think it would be all right to wed a homely girl cause she was gonna get scratched up and fade
from age and weather exposure?”
However, Mumford won’t buy the latest vehicle. He prefers one that is used and broke in. The only downside is that an
older vehicle don’t have that new truck smell, especially if you buy a secondhand one from a devoted fisherman.
I suppose Hogspore citizens had themselves a fine celerbration on St. Patrick’s Day on Saturday. I just can’t find anybody
that remembers what happened. We also celerbrated National Corn Dog Day. Both holidays fell on the same date, a rare
occasion that’s as important as a total solar eclipse.
I only remember that after eating corn dogs and quaffing green beer non-stop the sun actually disappeared a few times
in the early afternoon. There mighta been a dozen Irish whiskey jelly doughnuts involved too.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.