The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News

National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                                  Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                                                       By Clet Litter

      We turned the clocks ahead one hour yesterday. However, Morton Trubletoof is still behind. He heard that we were to push
the time ahead by 60 minutes, so took his clock outside to push it around the yard for an hour.  

      Widow Fenster is back from Brasstown, North Carolina. She attended the John C. Campbell Folk School that taught Titanic
cooking. Ms Fenster learned how to cook the meals from the maiden voyage. She can now whip up Cream of Barley Soup,
Poached Salmon with Mousseline Sauce, Minted Green Pea Timbales, and Housemade Vanilla Ice Cream. I wonder why the
name is Housemade Vanilla Ice Cream when they made it on the ship.

      Ms Fenster held a charity supper event at Larry’s Assisted Living Facility Ball Room where she cooked the first class menu
from the Titanic. They collected over 1,500 dollars for the Society for the Prevention of Improper Use of Nouns. This group was
recently successful in banning the school board from using the word “impact” as a verb.  

      There was a bit of uneasiness when the waiters brought out the 25 tiny gravy lifeboats cause there weren’t enough to go
around to all the tables. The evening sailed on smoothly until Agate Robbins received his drink and yelled out, “We need some
more ice over here.”

      Agate ended the evening by toasting the Widow. He raised his glass and said, “Bottoms Up.” She just gave him a stern look.

      The Widow passed on some trivia about the Titanic. The initial evening meal featured the captain giving an introduction.
Some passengers suspected something was up when he said, “Bon Appetit and Non-Voyage.”

      Hogspore natives, Two Pot Pie, rap star and Hank Aring, country singer are coming out this month with a duet. The song is,
“If You Dis the USA, I Will Rap You in the Mouth.”

      The Oatmeal Porridge Factory has an opening. They’re looking for a Honer, someone to sharpen the steel cutting blades.
This would replace the former blade sharpener, Stump Washington, who took a sudden early retirement. As soon as he is fitted
with some prosthetic hands, he starts a position at the Mena, Arkansas airport as a security screener. He will perform
passenger pat downs without being physically involved  

      You can contact Clet Litter at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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