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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Cosmic cloud will give perfect eyesight
There’s a crazy cosmic cloud coming from outer space, but scientists don’t know exactly when it will get here. It will affect
the eyesight of all critters on earth. When it hits, everybody gets perfect eyesight. Them nuclear clouds or beams are gonna
clear and restore sight to vision-challenged folks, young and old. It mighta been old and young, I don’t remember the order.
It’s gonna be soon. I had a dream or maybe it was a vision. I had chili last night, so I can’t really say what it was.
I know the year that the clear sight is gonna take place. The year is 2020.
Today is Cinco de Februero. It means the fifth of February in Spanish. On February 5, 1917, Mexican President Venustiano
Carranza proclaimed the establishment of the modern-day Mexican constitution. It’s celerbrated in Mexico, but we’re not doing
anything in Hogspore cause we’re still cleaning up the Groundhog Day festivities. The garbage and parade beads are all gone but
the Mayor can’t find any bidders to remove the groundhog scat. He couldn’t even get the Garden Club interested.
The next day that we celerbrate is a hollerday what strikes fear into the hearts of procrastinating men: Valentine’s Day.
If you wait too long, you’ll regret it.
Every year, a few boys won’t get it done and the rest of us men pay for it. The ladies share with each other about what men
came through and who didn’t. Even if you did everything right, you always get blasted cause your Valentine's best girlfriend was
forgotten by her beau. Somehow, part of the blame goes on you for just being a man, in general.
There oughta be a union for all men to join. The Valentine Defense Fund would collect annual dues to buy a nice Valentine
gift for every female in town.
Duncan Winslow somehow managed to stay out of jail. He won a sweepstakes prize, round trip airline tickets for two
to Denver Colorado. Duncan’s wife couldn’t go, so he took his mule, Bertram.
Everything was ok till the trip back home. Evidently, Bertram smuggled a new Denver friend onto the plane and both
of em squeezed into the restroom in the back. The cabin crew found out about it, but the captain decided not to report it to
the authorities. He felt like it would be too much bad publicity for the airlines, and he mighta lost his job for letting it all happen.
Duncan Winslow is still embarrassed and won’t discuss it, but Bertram is a right happy farm animal since he’s now
a member of the Mule High Club.
We all know we’re in for another six weeks of winter. You can tell when the animals put on extra fur for the winter.
Punkin saw Preacher’s wife going into a salon to get her whole body waxed.
The Ladies of the Church Fellership Group will be busy the rest of the winter trying to find a Bible passage that condones
body waxing. First book to get reviewed is gonna be Exodus cause a couple of the women from the church nursery class of 1925
remember something about the Plucking of the Follicles.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.