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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Artist work perfect rendering of lard process
Last Tuesday was National Handwriting Day. That morning, the Mayor announced the occasion to
a group of seven unconcerned citizens in front of the courthouse.
One mother and youngins left early to protect her small innocents cause the Mayor was gonna
deliver a few words about cursive writing. She said, “There’s a time and a place for that kind of talk,
like when cold weather combines with a hammer and a thumb to form The Perfect Whammy.”
His Honor argued, “The Constitution was written in cursive writing. Right soon, there won’t be
anybody left that can read it. Course, nobody reads it much now anyway.”
The townfolk are prepping for Hogspore Pie Week that starts this Friday. There’s a back order for
lard at Smartins Grocers so farmers are out behind the barn, saying farewell to the children’s pet hogs.
My wife Punkin is a first-rate artist, and she did an oil painting of the shortening-making process. It’s a
pretty good rendering.
There ain’t no better crust than one made with lard. I’m getting real hungry just contemplating
breaking into a warm apple pie. I’m the judge in the Pie Making Tasting Contest again this year cause
I was the highest bidder.
I found a poem in an old library reference book that tells the true story of The Three Little Pigs.
The big bad wolf is short of breath;
The three little pigs are all smiles.
They say he has the C O P D,
From Coughing On Pig’s Domiciles.
Grandson Benny still doesn’t show any hint of finishing middle school in the next five years.
He spends his free time trying not to laugh while he burps for ten seconds. This come about when he
thought a diphthong was a girl hula dancer’s underdrawers. He decided that if he ever met a hula dancer,
he could impress her by learning how to burp the Hawaiian alphabet.
Mumford Pickens give me a joke that he thought should go into the News. I don’t get it, but he
swore it was funny, so here it is:
“The high school Logic and Philosophy teacher went to the hospital suffering from a
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