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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
It’s been so cold this winter that nobody is happy. Even if the daylight is getting longer each day,
there ain’t no joy when the snow starts melting for one minute before it freezes over again. At the end
of May, the hibernating bears will still be ordering blackberry and honey pizza cave delivery.
The Hogspore Annual Elementary Spelling Bee is the second Friday in January. Principal Imogene
Scoggins will be hosting the show, starting at 6 PM in the school auditorium. This year is sponsored by
Joe’s Bar and Grill and Laundromat, Package Store, and Welding around Back.
Remember their motto, “We’ll wash, dry, and fold your clothes whilst you get snockered next door.”
It’s surprising to see how many husbands volunteer to go do laundry. Course, the real hard-core drinkers
have a washer and dryer available at home, cept for weekends when the washer is full of ice and beer.
The Spelling Bee theme is beer names. All the fathers are coaching the family’s brightest kid.
The smart money is on fourth grader, Mattie Kingsworth. She’s been fetching her Pappy brewskies
from the refrigerator since she was old enough to pop a top. Her Pappy is a member of the Joe’s Suds
(not soap) of the Day Club.
Mayor Ringer is the third most powerful man in the county. The second most powerful man is Sheriff
Riley Combover; Riley has photos of his honor sitting in his truck in a secluded part of town at dusk having
his way with two dozen raspberry jelly doughnuts.
The top man is actually a woman, the Mayor’s wife, Belle Ringer. If she ever saw them incriminating
pastry pictures, the sheriff would be gone and the Mayor’s life would be a lot less comfortable.
Our fair city won a Federal Grant. Somewhat of a disappointment come over the town council as they
opened the Washington, DC envelope and watched the single U.S. Fifty Dollar Ulysses S. Grant bill
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