The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column in the Known World.
                                                                         Hogspore News     
                                                      By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                             Boy Scouts earn Native America Merit badge

 Mumford Pickens had a new roof put on. He said, “Every time you do this, you always end up with
a roof nail in your truck tire. This time I made a plan so I won’t get a nail in my tire.

 I made up a new goal for the Boy Scouts. It’s called the Native American Dance Merit Badge. You earn it
by dancing barefooted all over the yard. When you come up with three nails in your bare feet, you earn
your merit badge.”

 He had a cookout for Troop 43 out of Winslow’s Holler. After all the scouts was full up on barbecued
ribs, coleslaw, and soder pop, they all took off their boots and shoes and commenced to hop all around
Mumford's yard whilst he kept the beat going with two hammers on an empty oil barrel.

 Mumford said, “There’s an art to knowing when the dance is over. It’s like popcorn. You know
you’re done when you don’t hear any more corn popping for ten seconds.

 That’s how I knew them Tenderfoot boys found all the roof nails. Ten seconds went by and I didn’t hear
any more boy scouts yelp.”

 Jimmy Suspenders got into an embarrassing situation a while back. He was cruising down
Highway 71 at night finishing up a mason jar of sweet tea. He stopped along the road to make a
nature call. A trooper come up on him and give him a ticket for what he was doing.

 He told me the story. “They dropped the charges down to Liquid Littering. What with the court hearing
and the 200 dollar fine, getting caught with my pants down wasn’t as funny a story as I thought
it was gonna be.”

 This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support of
our troops. You can contact Clet at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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