The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
                                                           Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                                By Clet Litter
                                                                     Street cleaners stay busy

 The streets are clean since the last parade, and we’re getting ready for the Christmas Parade this
Saturday. Old Man Grimely is using one of his demo tractors from Grimely’s Tractor Sales and Service
store on Highway 71 to pull the lead float.

 The Hogspore Notions and Sundries entry is carrying everybody’s favorite, St Nick. The jolly old elf  will be
tossing out vouchers for pediatrician’s insurance co-pays for the good little boys and girls of Hogspore.   

 Old Man Grimely said he would let me use the colorful convoy tractor free for a week, if I mentioned his
fantastic Tractor Sales and Service store out on Highway 71. Because of my ethics and being somewhat of
a newspaper celebrity, I told him I wouldn’t do it.

 Mumford Pickens says, “I like newspapers the way some folks favor trains … but I like trains too.”

 Junior Bickum’s niece, Skeetle Perkins, of Still Down, Missouri is visiting. She just graduated from
Vocational College with a Culinary Degree and a minor in Herbs and Spices. She finished at the top of her
class, Sumac Cumin Laude.

 Marie Osmond has her likeness standing in the Madame Tussauds wax museum in Las Vegas.
When she went on a diet using Nutrisystem, the museum curator thought he might have a dilemma.
No problem, he turned the heat up for two days and Marie lost fifty pounds of excess ugly wax.

 Here’s why Jimmy Suspenders and Sara Suspenders are always fighting. It’s always cause of
Mr. Suspenders. Here’s a typical conversation.

 Sara said, “Your worst fault is that you don’t listen and you don’t let me finish what I have to say
to you. You keep interrupting.” “Sara, if I didn’t interrupt, I would never get a word in.” She come back
with, “There you go with the intruding. You cut me off again, and this is still my paragraph.”

 Jimmy said, “I’m sorry dear.”

 “I accept your apology … you Idiot.”

 New evidence from ancient Rome shows the real reason Cleopatra and Mark Antony committed suicide.
It was cause Mark Antony groped her. Course, what do you expect of a feller whose mentor goes by the
name of SeizeHer?

 Tony, from the barbershop, was interviewing for a new barber. One barefoot prospect come into the
shop. Tony asked, “Why aren’t you wearing socks and shoes?”

 The feller said, “That’s to show you that I can think outside the socks.”

 “I don’t like bare feet and I don’t like puns. Tony quickly threw him out. “That’s to show you that
I can work at a fast clip.”

 You can contact Clet Litter at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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