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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Reminder only fourteen days till Christmas
Here’s a reminder from Morton Trubletoof. “There are only 14 days till Christmas, but this is the
last day before tomorrow.”
Saturday over to the High School auditorium, me and Punkin took in the Annual Bird Calling
Competition. All the seats was full and there was ten contestants this year. Before I tell you who won,
I gotta tell you about the tear jerking moment when Lemuel Skeetshot give his Fried Chicken Call.
It weren’t more than 15 seconds after his final cluck when a stream of church ladies come filing in
through the front double doors, promenading down the aisle like wedding ring bearers, carrying
platters of crispy Gospel Bird.
Principal Barkley Spellbetter stopped the contest and called for a 45-minute intermission for the
audience to process the feast. That give us enough time afterward, to dry up our tears of joy, plus get
the lard off our fingers and out of our eyes.
The winner was the crowd’s favorite, Miss Bernice Onderug. She did her Return of the Butterball Call.
The gathering was still full from the Fried Chicken March earlier, but now something even better was
happening. Frozen wrapped turkeys began dropping on stage. A satisfactory number of cold meals
appeared for every family in the place to take home and roast later. Roost and Roast sounding like
each other ain’t no coincidence.
The Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar Celerbration happens on Friday, the 15th.
Hogspore Insulin Resistance Days start the next day and run through January 2. At ten AM on that
Saturday, free pastries will be set up in front of City Hall, courtesy of Donald’s Doughnuts. The Glucose
Parade leaves at noon and winds through town ending up at Postprandial Dip Park at 2 PM.
Old Man Grimley said, “I'm not getting older ... but there are a lot more younger people now than
there used to be.”
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