|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Disturbing news, Pooh Bear gone from books
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley, the head librarian, passed on some gossip. I’m not one to sit on gossip,
so here it is: Disturbing news is coming out of the children’s book publishing world. Pooh Bear is gone
from all Winnie the Pooh books due to several allegations of improper behavior with Piglet. Other
troubling stories regarding Eeyore and Owl have also surfaced.
We don’t know whether the old bear is to be replaced by another character or if the books will
be discontinued. Speculation in New York City publishing offices is that Fat Albert is up for the role.
Fat Albert, however, has his own problems with charges against him still working through the court
Mr. W. Pooh said he doesn’t contest the allegations. He has memory loss and stuffing depletion.
He does remember some innocent cuddling with Christopher Robin when they were both young with
some identity issues.
The first Monday in December is here. For newcomers that don’t know any better, it means Hogspore
Homemade Tater Salad with Mayonnaise Day. The Town Rectangle has police yellow tape up. The folding
tables and chairs are set up for a glorious celerbration of one of the best forms of potatoes
to ever leave a kitchen.
Fifty Hogspore cooks have being chilling their tater salad for two days, allowing all the ingredients
to get to know each other. Each one is different, and they’re all good. The High School cafeteria left their
two outdoor dumpster doors open tonight, so all the flies are gonna be dining over there.
Sam and Ella Foodbourne are hosting the celerbration again, but they’re getting too old to make their
own famous tater recipe, especially after the stomach pump episode of 2006.
Bertram, Duncan Winslow’s prize mule, got into a scrap with a young buck last night. It’s Deer Rutting
season so Duncan shoulda known better than to outfit Bertram with a nice brown warm helmet for
winter. Turns out, the mule won the clash with the buck and now he has a new doe girlfriend. Winslow
Holler probably ain’t ready for that kind of relationship.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.