The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
                                                                                      11-27-2017
                                                        
       Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                              
                 By Clet Litter
                                        Roasted birds looked like '70s Pittsburg Steeler's steel curtain

       
 Hardy Barkins had four dressed-out turkeys that customers never picked up. He invited me and the
Missus, along with the Trubletoof’s and Suspenders’ over for a Thanksgiving feast. Those four plump
roasted birds were sitting there on the sideboard looking like the 1970s Pittsburg Steelers Steel Curtain.

       
  Hardy made a joke about his 10-quart crock-pot of turkey giblet gravy being the Hogspore Super
Bowl. We laughed cause it was his house, but mostly, we was just real hungry. He gave us one of the
quickest blessings I ever heard. He thanked the Lord, give a snappy Amen, and we was all starving
NASCAR drivers, moving fast.
  
       
  The dinner began with the clicking of forks and knives working their way through mashed taters,
cornbread, sweet taters, big hot yeast rolls, real butter, cranberry jelly, stuffing, a squash-bacon-onion
deal, white meat, dark meat, followed by a funeral-like processional through some tough tendons and
cartilage. There weren’t no talking and we didn’t have napkins cause they’re just speed bumps for
eating.   

         The second helping started without much let up in the action. Morton Trubletoof led off the third
helpings and things slowed down. We was complaining that the silverware was getting heavy.

 
        Sara Suspender was still eating, till the menfolk commenced broadcasting groaning sounds that
Grandpappy used to make. We all got up slowly and lumbered on into the living room.

   
      Nobody could bend over to pick up the TV remote control from the coffee table. A little kid that no
one knew come by and snapped on the Cartoon Channel. The husbands fell asleep while Charlie Brown’s
Thanksgiving Special played all afternoon. That’s the one where Charlie Brown ends it all cause nobody
liked him.

     
    The gents woke up during the Charlie Brown eulogy and then it was Pie Time. Five punkin pies fell
under the serving knife. The appetites were all back, but we forgot the homemade whipped cream was
still in the kitchen. That’s what seconds are for.

         We all left around 10 PM whilst Hardy Barkins was parking the bathroom scale out in the barn for
a while.

         Mel Tillis Rest in Peace
  
 
        You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com.  
                                
      
                                                            
WWW.Hogspore.Com

Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.

Contact:
Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
727-596-3458

BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com
web log free