|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Punkin was visiting her sister out of town. She forgot to take her pedometer, so she wanted me to
wear it while she’s gone. She gets points for the number of miles she walks. Her health insurance sends
her a ten-dollar gift card for every 500,000 steps, 192 miles. She coulda walked to her sister’s house and
back and saved us that expensive bus fare. When she gets enough credit, we go to the big city and spend
it, (on her).
I forgot the mile monitor the first day. She called that night, “Did you wear my Step Sister 2000 today?”
Like the good husband that I am, I right off lied and said, “I wore it all day and I plan on walking
around the farm all day tomorrow with it.”
Next morning, I was feeding the dogs before letting them outside. Punkin’s dog, Tugboat, was jumping
around waiting to get out to run. That’s when I got my bright idea. I usually have at least one every day.
I unhooked the pedometer from my belt and strapped it onto the little Pomeranian’s collar.
Tugboat was off to earn some points. By the end of two weeks, she had racked up enough points
to get 100 dollars.
Once my wife got back, she had a fat letter waiting from her insurance company. I knew she was
gonna be mighty happy with the rewards I earned for her. I figured she’d share with me this time.
My luck changed after she opened the envelope and read the letter, “Dear Punkin Litter, Enclosed,
please find a 100-dollar gift card. We are canceling your pedometer rewards program due to suspected
overuse or abuse of the plan. However, we do want to honor your recent earnings. You may redeem your
award for merchandise on the website, WhoseAGoodDoggy.com.”
Punkin definitely ain’t sharing the money with me, but it looks like Tugboat is gonna have a nice
Morton Trubletoof was wondering about a new term he heard on the radio. “It said something about
a guy in California who was Gender Fluid. I’m not real sure what that means. I wonder if he has
to get his Gender Fluids checked from time to time?”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.