|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Timeshare in the doghouse
Sara Suspenders awarded her husband, Jimmy, a one-week timeshare in the doghouse starting
tonight. Here’s Jimmy’s side of it. “Every morning Sara gets up, drinks her coffee, and watches two of her
favorite 30-minute old TV shows. She won’t watch commercials, so she pauses the show. After a couple
of minutes, she’ll fast-forward and get to her show again.
I thought I’d do something nice for her, so I taped all her favorite programs on the DVR thing for a
month. Now, she can sit back, fast-forward through the ads, and continue her entertainment enjoyment.
I give her the good news this morning; her favorites are now recorded, but she said she’ll go ahead
and watch them live, commercials and all.
I said, ‘It don’t seem logical. Why can’t you watch the taped shows?’ Thinking back on it, I still
weren’t in trouble, so I shoulda stopped … but I didn’t.
‘Jimmy, I just want to sit here, drink up my coffee, and sorta veg out for an hour while I wake up.’
I blurted out, ‘Sara, You’re being stubborn. You disagreed, only to spite me. That’s what I call
That’s when I won my one-week backyard vacation.”
Old Man Grimely was complaining. “The older I get, the more I worry. I’m real tired of fretting over
everything. I gonna start acting like that young gal in ‘Gone with the Wind,’ Scarlet O’Hara. When I get to
worrying, I’ll say to myself, ’Fiddle-De-Dee,’ and go on with my life.
The only problem I got being Scarlet O’Hara is, even though I look good in them, I don’t like wearing
We celerbrated our wedding anniversary on November 2nd. When someone meets my wife for the
first time, they chime in with, “Clet, how’d you wrangle Punkin to marry you? Did you make a deal with
I smile and sez, “No I didn’t sell my soul to get her … but I would’ve.”
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