|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Beer Run held in football stadium
We held the first Annual Hogspore Beer Run last Saturday. It’s a race to see which feller crosses
the finish line first, toting a full un-drunk six-pack. It was supposed to be a 3-Kilometer run through town,
but after factoring in the average professional beer lover’s physical ability, the course was shortened to
The Football Stadium was the answer. I’m sorry; I forgot to tell you what the question was. It was,
“Where can we hold this thing so that folks can watch, buy corn dogs, mostly beef burgers, and drinks,
and give the racers a soft place to fall during the Run.”
The rules are simple, due to the limited brainpower of the average professional beer drinker.
When the school band cannon is fired, manned by the least talented member of the Hogspore High
School Marching Band of Various Alloys, the contestants will take off from the goal line carrying their
Saturday morning at 10 Am, the aging aluminum cannon blew up and the 100-yard slow sprint was
on. Jimmy Suspenders was the first one to cross the finish line in just under an hour. Hardy Barkins was
the last one in, sometime around 1:30 in the afternoon. He said he got lost and took a nap.
We didn’t have a winner cause all the runners gulped down their six-packs somewhere between
the 20-yard line and the end of the field. Nobody won the prize, a week’s worth of ale, (12 cases).
I was afraid that we weren’t gonna have another one next year.
Mayor Ringer was there to announce, “This was a very successful event. I’ll see all of you, and more,
next year at the Second Annual Beer Run.”
Turns out, a lotta town spectators had a real good time up there in the bleachers, laughing and
making fun of the Brewski Boys stumbling around down on the football field. Those folks bought over
5,000 dollars worth of corn dogs, mostly beef burgers, and beer sold by the Mayor’s family, what owns
the Concession Stand.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.