|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Watch out for little kids, Just hand out the candy
My wife, Punkin, gets a full-retail-priced Oprah monthly in the mail, but she buys all her other
Ladies journals from the library bookstore for fifty cents each. She brung home a bunch of used Ladies
magazines Friday, but she surprised me with a fishing one for me. She’s still reading it but once she’s
done, I get it next. I can’t wait to check out all the angling articles in Allure.
Punkin was complaining about having too much housework and farming duties. So, when I managed
to get some time from my own busy schedule, I seen some e-mails about Russian brides. I got to thinking.
No, not about a Russian bride for me, so Punkin could have more time to devote to her chores.
Well, maybe I thought about it for a few minutes, (two hours), but the idea I got was: Hire a sturdy Boris
to take on some of Punkin’s harder burdens for her. That way she could spend more quality time with me
and get more chances to bake pies and sumptuous meals.
I mentioned my idea to her, just as a joke of course, and now I’m a might worried. She took about
half a second to say, “Clet, that’s such a sweet thought. Get some pictures of those young handsome
Socialist Siberian fellers and let me pick one or two out.”
We’re gonna see if any of you folks out there can guess Punkin’s maiden name. Send your answers to
Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@Yahoo.com. The first right answer gets a ten-dollar bill mailed to them.
Let me know which newspaper you read, cause each newspaper will have a winner. I’m sorry the prize
can’t be bigger, but when Punkin’s name is finally printed, I’m gonna need to spend a sizable amount of
money on an apology gift for her..
Halloween’s coming. Even if you don’t celerbrate Halloween, you still gotta get ready for it.
Every year, I give the same advice. Number one, watch out for little kids in the streets. Number two,
if old teenagers arrive at your door wanting candy, don’t comment on how they’re too old for tricking
or treating and that they need to get back to their own children at home.
Just give em the candy and admire their costumes. They may be too old to beg for treats, but now
they know where you live and you’re too old to appreciate them vandalizing your front yard.
Hogspore dentist, Dr. Brace Gumm and his wife Ora Lee will be handing out special treats on
Halloween night. The Gumm family plans to dispense jawbreakers, peanut brittle, and taffy.
Mumford Pickens says, “Men were built to scan and consider long distances. We need to gaze on
endless prairies, outlying mountains, and faraway women’s souls.”
Just so you know, Mumford Pickens has been married five times.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.