|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Miss Hogspore pageant another success
Another successful Miss Hogspore Pageant passed on into history last Saturday. Judy Mullenculley,
daughter of Cyrus and Misty Mullenculley, took the Gilded Tiara at the High School auditorium.
Judy won the talent portion of the show with her rendition of Leo Redbone’s greatest hit. Her brother
accompanied her on the tuba while her aunt tickled the ivories, which made a hippopotamus
in the audience laugh. The hippopotamus turned out to be Mrs. Bernice Batdorf from the Full Figured
Ladies Garden Club.
She really is a big woman, but she claims that she has a Thyroid problem. Maybe she should stop eating
so many Thyroids. Warning: don’t ever get Bernice mad when she’s grazing in the pond.
Halloween is coming. Folks are thinking about what costumes they’re gonna wear and how to trick
their little children out of the collected candy. Sheriff Riley Combover is on the lookout for Halloween
vandals in the area. We’ve been hearing rumors about a young gang of low cholesterol eaters, so the
sheriff is monitoring the grocery stores for excessive sales of Egg Beaters.
Mayor Ringer was bragging over grant money that he wrangled from the state. The Town Council gave
him approval to hire a consultant to help get funding for the city. “After working with the Funds
Procurement Expert, we just received a $10,000 award to spruce up the City Park. After we paid the
consultant’s fee, we were able to replace the broken chains on the three kiddie swings. Now the babies
don’t hit the dirt every time the swing sweeps by.”
The Health Department found some rotten milk products in Maude and Freddy’s Come-On-Give-Us-
One-More-Chance Diner. The inspector found moldy cottage cheese in the refrigerator.
Maude tried to say that a spider came along, sat down beside her, and planted the bad Curds and
Whey. Freddy got in trouble when he handed the inspector a twenty-dollar bill and asked, “Just this one
time, can you look the other Whey?”
Louisiana has changed the name of the Moccasin to the Native American Footwear Snake.
Gary Weir RIP, Arkansas’s Beloved Bozo the Clown
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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