|The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Learning how to set a table
Morton Trubletoof asked me to teach him how to set a table. His wife, Portia, gave up on him
learning and stuck a salad fork in his hand. It still had a piece of lettuce on it along with creamy Italian
dressing. He’s all right now, no stitches needed, but Doc Spicer bandaged it up and told him to “change
the dressing every day.”
I sez, “I’m just a simple man. I don’t know much about setting a dinner table. I couldn’t tell you
where the soup knife goes or which side of the plate you put the mashed taters spoon.”
Me and Morton worked out a plan. We bought place mats and drew outlines of where all the
utensils go. I got help from a library book called, How to Make a Place Mat with Outlines of Silverware
for Dummies. We even bleached out a square on the front of Morton’s overalls to remind him where his
We also went over the rules of saying grace, including the one never to say, “Thank you for the
The Hogspore First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners is holding a
supper out under the Sassafras trees. It’s a membership drive so every good cook in the congregation is
bringing their own special fried chicken recipe. There will be 25 different kinds of fried chicken and
everyone of them will be worthy of eating one or two pieces.
I’m gonna have to taste some of everybody’s bird cause I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Just doing my part to help the church. I shouldn’t mention how good all the baked beans and tater
salads are gonna be. I hope I get enough to eat before the whole county shows up.
Thank goodness, I’m signed up to be one of the Pie Baking Contest judges. It feels right to keep giving
back to the community like I do.
I seen a mattress sale ad. Buy a New Mattress with 10% Down and No Interest for Five Years.
It don’t sound like the kinda bed a newlywed couple would want in their home. With only 10% down
in it, it won’t be real soft and who wants to have a bed with no interest on it for five years?
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