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Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                          Hogspore News from the Ozarks     
                                                                              By Clet Litter
                                                     Dating advice, how to seduce a senior

    Me and the boys was holding court in Tony’s Barbershop. We got a couple of real old coots in the group
so every so often we let them lead off what we’re gonna talk about. Last Saturday the topic was Dating
Tips for Seniors. (Not high school seniors, but folks trying to live long enough to be teenagers again at
113.) The only advice them high school kids need is “DON’T.”

    Since all our barbershop group identify as men, here’s what we come up with for Dating Advice for
Seniors. Slip off her pedometer. Offer her a wine glass of chilled Ensure. Keep pouring till it works. Put on
a Nat King Cole album. You don’t have to dim the lights cause you both got cataracts. Set her pacemaker
to Fun. Whisper sweet-nothings into her good ear. At 9 PM, both of you fall asleep.

    Next morning at breakfast, brag to the old boys that you think you got to third base last night.
That’s when the police brought you home from the dark abandoned Little League field that you wandered
off to last night.  

    The Miss Hogspore Beauty Contest is coming up the middle of October. Girls from 18 months to
227 months old, (18 years plus 11 months old), are studying up for the Question and Answer portion of
the pageant.

    The only edition of
How to Achieve World Peace is not in the library. We thought one of the
contestants had it, but Jimmy Suspenders is reading it trying to get some help with his marriage.  

    Larry’s Assisted Living Facility and Funeral Home is trying to spice up their burial services. Larry hired a
consultant to help design some new programs. He’s using the idea of a Celerbation of Life Ceremony
instead of the old stodgy Last Roundup service. The slogan is “This Ain’t Your Grandpappy’s Funeral No

    Crying, moaning, or carrying on is not allowed. Friends and relatives will get up and tell funny stories
and embarrassing tales about Grand Pappy. There will be food, a cash bar, and a dance floor with the
finest accordion band in the county, The Muleberry County Polka Stompers and Tips Jar Band.       

    Larry added, “The Celerbration of Life will cost twice the amount of a regular funeral service, but … So

    Larry told me about his early days in the business. “For years, I tried to keep the final services classy,
but it always ended badly, once the loved ones saw the dumpster.”

    There’s a new sign for the old Confederate Cemetery out on High 71. It’s more unifying and politically
correct now. The Misguided Soldiers Cemetery Who Died in Vain.

    You can contact Clet Litter at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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