The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in Rural USA
Hogspore News
                                                                             Hogspore News     
                                                        By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                                             White isn't worn after Labor Day

     Rabbit season started September 1st. The smart hunters got a four-day advantage since Labor Day
landed on the fourth this year. After Labor Day, the rabbits don’t wear their white cottontails, so they’re
harder to spot.

     We got a bit of sad news. Duncan Winslow’s prize mule died. He passed in his sleep. He was only ten.
That’s ten years in human’s time.

     The whole county come out for Bertram’s send off. Mules are somewhat heavy; we usually bury them
right where they drop. The townsfolk had to drag him to a decent resting place cause he died in Duncan’s
bed. It’s a real close family.

     Normally, Bertram would sleep outside in the barn, cept on freezing winter nights. Most of the gossip
stopped when everyone realized that the Winslow’s had installed a new window air conditioning unit in
the master bedroom. Duncan, his wife, eight children, and Bertram was all in there together enjoying the

     Vet Doc Muley speculated, which he does whenever he don’t know why an animal is ailing.
“I reckon, (same thing as speculating), the mule caught bronchitis with the cold air blowing across
him all night. That’s what took him.”

     Folks that are not from around here might think I was going on a might about a dead mule.
We value our mules over our own offspring, even the gifted ones.

     We used Manny the Mechanic’s engine hoist to lower Bertram into his freshly dug grave underneath
the Sassafras tree on Winslow’s Hill. I’ll stop and just say, “Bertram, RIP. You’re free at last.”

     Sumner’s Pond won’t open again til next spring. Old man Sumner is still counting his money from his
concession stand and inner tube rental business. He’s taking off soon for his winter-long stay in Branson,
Missouri. He has year passes to Tony Orlando’s Theme Park, Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak

     This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops. You can contact Clet at


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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