|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in Rural USA
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Country folk want Big Boy statue removed
The Big Boy Restaurant in the Town Rectangle is under attack. We got some folks that live out
in the county pouring in to protest the statue standing out front of the restaurant. They want the
Big Boy mascot removed cause it reminds them of the fat-laden foods from an earlier heritage.
Another group is protesting cause the monument represents society’s lack of focus on controlling
high blood pressure. They got a point; the Big Boy is mighty chubby, what with his flushed cheeks from
the high BP.
I hope there’s not gonna be any trouble. All the hamburger and strawberry pie lovers are out there in
support of BB. Even Morton Trubletoof is out there carrying a sign for the BB. However, he don’t quite
understand what the problem is. His sign reads, “Bring back the Fish Sandwich.”
Mumford Pickens is my friend. He’s a right smart guy, retired CIA, and current beloved moonshiner,
but sometimes his jokes are tough to handle. He told me about his cat, Brillo. “My cat keeps up to date
by reading the mewspaper and watching CNN, the Cat Nip Network.”
The boys at Tony’s Barbershop got into an argument about Lost and Found Departments.
Agate Robbins maintains that it should simply be called Found. If it’s Lost, then it can’t be Found too.
Mumford Pickens tried to explain, “It’s called Lost and Found because it was Lost and then Found.”
Agate come back with, “Did you ever read an obituary that says the deceased was alive just before he
Morton Trubletoof added, “I think a feller first has to realize that he actually lost something before
the Found part is gonna work. He ain’t gonna even be checking for it if he don’t know it’s missing.”
It was closing time so Tony ended it. “Can you all just shut up and go home?”
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.