|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in Rural USA
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Mumford Pickens preparing for a sixth wife
Award-Winning Untaxed Whiskey Distributor, Mumford Pickens has been married five times, so
he’s somewhat cautious about marriage, but he remains hopeful. He hasn’t met anyone yet that might
become his new bride. That hasn’t stopped him from writing a new marriage vow. “I will love you forever
… until I don’t.”
Today is Elmer Winkins Day. We celerbrate Elmer’s record of sitting outside Tony’s Barbershop
every day for over thirty years. His right shoulder is twice the size of his other one. For a few folks out
there that are confused, his other shoulder is his left shoulder. The shoulder, (his right one), is real big
from waving at folks as they pass by.
He never goes inside the barbershop cept to use the facilities or break a tie in an argument.
He’s bald, so he don’t take advantage of Tony’s tonsorial skills. Elmer said, “I don’t know exactly
what tonsorial skills are, but I don’t need no help clearing my own throat.”
Punkin’s dog, Tugboat, has been sick for a week. He’s got a cold. He’s a Pomeranian and that
makes him eligible as a foreign dog to get free guvernment health care and social security benefits.
My dog, Ol Slump, is somewhat jealous of Tugboat. I got Slump a fluffy overcoat to wear so that
the guvernment will think that he’s a French Poodle illegal immigrant. He didn’t qualify for extra benefits
cause they ruled that he was just a normal American mutt … with normal American fleas.
Larry from Larry’s Assisted Living Facility and Funeral Home has some comforting thoughts.
“Some folks think that dying is such an embarrassing thing to happen, although from what I’ve seen,
the embarrassment doesn’t really last all that long.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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