The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Ten-year anniversary of the Hogspore News
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Pancake feed raises money for childless parents
This marks the ten-year anniversary of the Hogspore News, first place winner of the 2008
National Society of Newspaper Columnists Humor Column.
Hogspore was a ghost town Saturday. All cane-loving syrup fans was over in Winslow’s Holler at
Duncan Winslow’s Annual Pancake Breakfast. Duncan raised 2,000 dollars for the Winslow’s Home for
Childless Parents. This money will go to help folks with no children obtain proper counseling to cope with
the new TV season of families with children shows. There is emergency funding for couples who have
binge-watched a TV family series with the beautiful older daughter and the precocious wisecracking
sarcastic young son.
The pancake-eating contest started at 2 PM in the sweltering afternoon sun. The entry fee was
200 dollars. That keeps out the amateurs who always eat till they stumble behind the barn to turbo-
charge Duncan’s compost pile.
Junior Bickum won the battle. He finished off 95 skillet-size buttermilk pancakes. The temperature
was hovering around 100, but with the breeze and the low humidity, it only felt like 99 degrees. It ain’t
the heat that gets you, it’s the humidity. It ain’t the pancakes that get you, it’s the syrup.
Mayor Ringer is gonna present Junior with the Golden, (plated), Skillet once Junior comes out of
Morton Trubletoof’s uncle, Horton, is single, pushing 50, and shy. Morton asked me, “Do you
think your wife, Punkin, would go out on a practice date with my uncle? It might help him get over his
Surprise, Punkin said yes. I don’t feel real comfortable about this, but Punkin and Horton are going
out to supper to a French-Chinese-Mexican-American restaurant out on Highway 71, Uncle Lee and
Claudette’s Taco Bistro and Burgers.
Punkin asked me if I was jealous, so I lied to her and said no. I shoulda stopped talking but I added,
“Maybe I’ll take out the new librarian.” She didn’t say nothing. She just brought me the phone and
showed me my life insurance policy company claims phone number on the speed dial. It was speed dial
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