|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Known World
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
No unsalted butter on my biscuit please
I never knew I had a philosophy on butter til somebody give me a biscuit with unsalted butter.
If you slather unsalted butter on a homemade buttermilk biscuit, then you’re in for a sorry excuse of
a fine dining experience.
I like to think I’m right tolerant. If I hear a feller say that he don’t like unsalted butter, that’s fine
with me. I support his right to like what he likes. But, I don’t hold much truck with a feller that says he
uses margarine, not cause he likes it, but cause it’s better for your health. That’s the kind of people that
we need to keep outta our country.
I don’t have a problem with a poet using margarine or unsalted butter cause he just don’t know
any better. I coulda said that he don’t know any butter but I didn’t, cause it’s been done before.
If your doctor or Dr. Oz or Dr. Jerry Springer tells you to cut down on salt, unsalted butter is the
LAST thing to consider. If I live to be 100 having to eat unsalted butter, then please … just take me now.
Old Man’s Grimely’s anniversary comes up on July 4. Him and his not so young wife anymore have been
married for 9 years. He said, “I’m giving my young bride 20,000 dollars cause she said that the ninth
anniversary is Cash.”
The folks down the road from us allow their new horse, Chuck, to stay in the house with em.
Chuck is my new next-door Neighaaaaaaabor.
Have a great Fourth of July. Make it a No Tweets Day.
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support of
our troops. You can contact Clet at firstname.lastname@example.org. (It’s a Superman-
Clark Kent thing.)
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.