The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
License renewal passed by guide dog
Erendira Wallenda of the Flying Wallendas suspended herself from a helicopter by her teeth over
Niagara Falls on June 15, 2017. Why would she hang from a chopper with her choppers 100 feet over
something that has the word “Falls” in it?
I drove to Mena, Arkansas last week to renew my driver’s license. Hogspore has an ordinance against
state guvernment offices inside the city limits. It come from an old feud between the Mayor and the state
guvernment in 1906. The Mayor got a ticket from a state trooper out on Highway 71 for riding a mule in
the dark without someone out 100 feet in front of him waving a lantern. The Mayor’s aide had the
lantern, but he weren’t waving it.
My dog, Ol Slump, went with me cause he likes to stick his head outta the window in the wind.
He was so full of air that he didn’t have to breathe for two days.
I couldn’t bring my dog into the MVR office so I took him back to the truck for some reconnoitering.
Reconnoitering is legal in Arkansas if you do it in a parking lot.
I got a long stick of bamboo from my truck bed. Punkin calls it my Portable Salvage Yard. I painted the
bamboo white with a bit of red paint on the end. I fashioned a harness for Ol Slump out of a ragged
leather horse reins.
I donned my darkest pair of mirrored fishing sunglasses and we shuffled our way right on into the
motor vehicle offices. I had to refer to Ol Slump as my Guide Companion. Seems like it offends the dogs,
I mean canines, when you call em Seeing Eye Dogs.
I was lucky to get an examiner who had just been in a heap of trouble the day before for being
disrespectful to a feller in a wheelchair. I mean Mobile Enabler
Ol Slump was enjoying the air conditioning and the examiner fetched him a bowl of cold water.
I had my birth certificate, two forms of utility bills showing my name, and my NRA ID card. Don’t worry;
I have a Concealed Carry permit for my NRA membership card. I just use it to get a discount at the Moose
Lodge and for a Go-To-the-Head-of-the-Line-Pass at the Hogspore Voting Booth.
I was doing all right till the clerk said, “Well, let’s get to the eye exam.” I looked off to the left, but
he didn’t see me roll my eyes cause of my BigMart dark fishing glasses that I was sporting. Them glasses
is mighty fashionable with the night crawler-shaped temples.
Then he said, “Mr. Litter, would you like your service animal to take the sight assessment for you?”
I sez, “Sure, I’d like to see that. I mean, yeah, that would be fine.” He took Ol Slump off to another
room and come back in ten minutes.
“Good News, Mr. Litter, Ol Slump here passed your eye exam for you. He only missed one. It was
the letter Q. He took it for a G.”
I laughed, “Good Boy, Ol Slump. Who’s a good little eye test taker? That’s really my fault. I never
taught him the letter Q.”
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.