The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Can cannibals get fat like regular fellers?
We was all discussing at the barbershop about how even cannibals have to eat right. Morton
Trubletoof asked, “Can a cannibal get fat like a regular feller can?”
Mumford Pickens said, “I suppose he could. He’d have to watch his carbohydrate intake just like
any other guy trying to stay skinny.”
Morton said, “He probably couldn’t eat a normal size adult.”
“Nope.” said Mumford. “He might be able to eat an uncooked low-carb little person. He could throw in
some chopped apples, celery, grapes, toasted walnuts, and mayonnaise. You know what he’d call it?”
Tony the barber said, “I got no idea, but I bet you already got an answer.”
Mumford smiled. “Yeah, I do. It’s called a Raw Dwarf Salad.”
I apologize to all fat cannibals that eat short people and to all the short people that are eaten by fat
cannibals. I just report the news. Conversation in a man’s barbershop is always crass. If you don’t like it,
get your haircut somewhere else. Maybe you can get your hair styled at a salon while you receive a
manicure and watch the Bravo channel on the big screen TV.
I apologize to the folks who get their locks coiffed at a styling salon. Here’s to a fabulous cut.
We kicked off Doughnut Week last Friday. The City Council changed the name of the hollerday’s
race, The Running of the Cruller. Course, they had to get approval from the Ozarks Doughnut
Confirmation Board since they sponsor the race. It don’t make much sense to change the name,
but The Cruller Crawl is what you get when one of the Hogspore City Council members is a poet.
Here’s something that Mayor Ringer wrote to make fun of the councilman:
There once was a councilman poet
Who was stupid but he didn’t know it.
He thought alliteration was king.
But it don’t mean a thing
Unless you can particularly, purposely, proudly Poe it.
I’m sitting on the front porch enjoying the rain and feeling like everything in Hogspore is perfect …
cause it almost is.
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.