The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Celebrate No Tobacco Day
Worldwide No Tobacco Day happens tomorrow on the 31st. That’s where everybody on earth tries not
to use tobacco for a whole day. The Major League Baseball teams won’t stop using Chew tomorrow, but
all the players have agreed to swallow instead of spit. They’ll be plenty of cheating going on in some
of the poorer countries but that’s only cause a lot of the hungry families actually eat the tobacco.
If you think that I mighta been a little rough saying that about the starving folks, its ok cause May 30
is International Insensitive Day.
Some smokers trying to quit are looking forward to Thursday cause they get a free day of smoking with
no guilt. June 1 is Worldwide No Nicotine Patch Day.
Me and Punkin took in the Memorial Day Parade yesterday as it come marching up Main Street. When
it got to the Town Rectangle, the Hogspore High School Marching Band of Various Alloys let go
with the Star Spangled Banner.
We was all so proud and shed a few tears when we seen those old World War Two veterans standing
straight as they could in their old uniforms up on the City Hall steps. Most of em could still fit into their
World War II was before my time, but I could fit into my old Navy uniform til I become a victim of years
of biscuit abuse. When it’s my time to stand on those steps in my old uniform, I’ll just buy a new one that
fits. I’ll be the sharpest looking veteran up there.
Morton Trubletoof asked me for help on writing. “Clet, if I print a sentence in Italics, does the
period at the end have to be in Italics?”
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.