The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Supposing there was horoscopes for dead people
Me and the boys was hanging out at Tony’s Barbershop last Thursday. Tony didn’t have any customers
so we was sitting back playing Just Supposing. That’s where we each suggest something obscure.
Jimmy Suspenders started us off, “What if there was Horoscopes for dead folks?”
Tony added, “That seems right mean. What if it was for Zombies?”
Mumford Pickens offered, “We could make it for folks who have crossed over. That seems nicer.”
Here’s what we settled on and what each sign says: Horoscopes for the Hereafter
Aquarius January 20 to February 18
Travel plans will change. City officials move your body to a different gravesite. Another culture
might surprise you since you now reside in an old leper colony cemetery.
Pisces February 19 to March 20
Someone stole your tombstone and the authorities are investigating. You need to stay on top of
this but you can’t stay on top of it cause you are under it.
Aries March 21 to April 19
A loved one confesses to your gravesite that they cheated on you when you were alive. You wish
you could tell them it’s ok cause you were cheating on them too and it was with the same person.
Taurus April 20 to May 20
Trouble in Paradise? No problem, cause you didn’t go there after you died. You still have many
problems to work out. The good news: You have all the time in the world to work on them.
Gemini May 21 to June 20
There is a planned get-together with loved ones. Torrential rains at the cemetery will cancel
Cancer June 21 to July 22
Expect a surprise visitor today. It is the Devil to escort you home.
Leo July 23 to August 22
The Judgment Day is now a month away, allowing you some wriggle room, but you can’t use it
cause your coffin is too small.
Virgo August 23 to September 22
Worms have broken through the first layer of your crypt. Plan on entertaining visitors shortly.
Libra September 23 to October 22
You are waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is nothing to worry about it cause it vanished
when you were cremated.
Scorpio October 23 to November 21
Remember to set your clock back one hour for Daylight Saving Time on the first Sunday in
November. One more hour added to Eternity.
Sagittarius November 22 to December 21
You have been missing your wife for many years. Good news, she will be next to you right after
her funeral today.
Capricorn December 22 to January 19
Your easy-going attitude will help you in the afterlife. You always knew that if you lived long
enough, something like this would happen.
Mumford Pickens gave me a bit of trivia: “I know how Bumble Bees can turn into Carpenter Bees. They
change when the timber of their humming changes and they start using buzz saws.”
Have a wonderful and thoughtful Memorial Day next Monday. This column is dedicated to
Frank Mazariegos, 29 December 1947 - 27 June 1967.
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops.
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