The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
The Rapture is coming soon
Mumford Pickens was front row pew on Easter Sunday yesterday. He never shows up on Easter or
Christmas since he don’t wanna appear to be a hypocrite. Preacher said, “It looks like we’re in for the
Rapture in the next two hours … cause Mumford Pickens is in church on an Easter Sunday. He must
know something we don’t know yet.”
By now, we all know that there weren’t no End Times yesterday, cause I’m still here.
Some words confuse me when I think about em. Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing but
they really outta be the opposite from each other. Some folks are caregivers, some folks are caretakers,
and some will only tell you to take care.
Maybe it just comes down to giving till you can’t take it any more. Larry over to the funeral
home says, “The most common daydream of a tired sleep-deprived caregiver is to play a little game
called Pillow Press.”
Same thing is going on with Sistered Living Facility. It’s a residence for folks to live that need help
with their household duties but it seems like it outta be a home for old retired nuns.
We got a new oil change company set up in town. They claim they can carry out an oil change and
lube in under 30 minutes. At least that’s what the new owner, Unter Holfenhower, says.
Squalor in the Holler starts this Wednesday and runs for two weeks since the only garbage man in
Winslow’s Holler goes fishing on vacation. We’ve canceled the Annual Move It Down the Line Garage Sale
this week cause the wind is gonna be drifting in from Winslow’s Holler over Hogspore. Citizens are leaving
before the fumes start peeling the barn paint.
I’m sticking around since I’m trying to lose weight and the incoming rotting garbage potpourri
will keep me from getting hungry. I tried the South Beach diet but I got tired of eating all that sand.
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing
support of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.