The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Mayor's April fools joke backfires
Jimmy Suspenders says he’s worried about his wife Sara. “She bought some women’s frilly
undergarments and a pedometer on her computer online from Victoria’s Secret. I think she’s
planning to step out on me.
The problem started about six months ago when I financed and bought us a new mattress.
The mattress store promised me that I could sleep interest-free for five years, but I mighta
misunderstood what that meant.”
The town only got one April Fool’s joke played on us. Mayor Deighed Ringer announced on Saturday
that he was gonna destroy all photos and evidence on most of us that he had used over the years to stay
in office. He said, “I ain’t gonna run for Mayor again.”
The April Fool’s joke didn’t work cause nobody ever believes a thing the Mayor says.
I seen a news report from Florida on a sponge diving school. A class of divers, trained in the
traditional metal helmet method, was graduating. The last student, Zitka Zygomala, come up on
stage to get his diploma and the graduating class celerbrated by hurling their metal diving helmets
into the air. They stopped celerbrating when them 40-pound helmets started coming back down on
Mumford Pickens got himself one of them DNA ancestor kits from Leonard’s Drugs. He wanted
to prove that his people come from Scotland and settled in the Ozarks.
Mumford said, “Leonard sold me the kit even though I had a cold. I wanted to wait until I felt
better but Leonard insisted I do it right away. He likes to make things sound like the end of the world
is gonna happen tomorrow. Leonard’s world ends if he don’t make enough sales every day.
The kit report come back to say I was half Scott and half German. I didn’t believe it but there were
details about my German roots. I’m getting another free one done cause I complained so much about the
first report I had done when I was sneezing.
I just didn’t believe that first report that said I was a direct descendant of a German dwarf
Mumford still ain’t over his cold cause right after he finished his story, he sneezed three times.
Course, I sez, “Gesundheit.”
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