The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Don't like reading abut cremations
I seen Old Man Grimely having breakfast in the Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner.
He was just turning the corner on a plate of sausage and gravy. He had a levee of buttered toast
holding it together to keep it warm. Every so often, he’d have to wait for the country goodness to
ease down his old esophagus and land in his stomach. While he waited, he took up his newspaper.
He held the paper close to his mouth and let out a big puff that blew dust off the page. I sez,
“Good morning, Grimely, what are you reading?”
“I’m giving a treatment to the obituaries.”
I sez, “Why did you blow on the newspaper?”
Grimely said, “I don’t like reading about the cremations.”
We had a couple of youngins fall off a ridge. They’re all right but both of em are gonna be sporting
crutches for the next six months cause they broke their ankles.
Even if they was young, they shoulda knowed better. I never mentioned the treacherous mountain
range just north of here cause Mayor Ringer didn’t want nobody from outside Hogspore coming up here
to get hurt and give us a bad name.
Lem and Jim McWhorter was doing some rock climbing in the Arkansas Alps. The real name of the
mountain range is The Oops. It’s a right dangerous place to be foolish, course most places are dangerous
if you’re acting foolish.
We got the Annual Beauty Pageant coming up this Saturday over to the High School Auditorium. Jimmy
Suspenders got a peek at the contestants. He said, “Clet, there ain’t a pretty one among em.
They look more like 4-H hog raising projects.”
His wife has a niece in the running. When Sara finds out what her husband said, Jimmy will be providing
food, (slop), for all the contestants for the rest of the week.
Widow Fenster said, “I’m getting so old and tired. I only got one lie-me-down left in me but I’ve run out
of get-outta-beds. I keep my phone on the night stand and I got Larry’s Funeral Home number on the
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