The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Grandpappy's can opener better than ever
Old man Grimely said, “Old age with its pain is like a man serving a life sentence for murder.
He don’t like it but after all the dumb things he did in the past, he knows he most likely deserves it.”
My Grandpappy kept his can opener on the kitchen counter. It had a big ol crank handle like a
meat grinder. It chewed through a number ten can like it was a can of cheap cat food. He owned it for
fifty years and I somehow got it after he passed on. It’s been in my kitchen for twenty years.
You’re probably wondering why I’m going on about an old can opener. Course, I’m not wondering
why cause I know what’s coming next. The point is that the can opener is 70 years old and it still goes
through metal like Tony’s barbershop razor on my whiskers.
Punkin brung home a new electric can opener last year. I figure she thought that we had some
extra electricity hanging around the house that was going to waste. I’ve replaced that electric can opener
three times cause it kept breaking or just sat there grinding and gnawing a never-opening can like a baby
with a Zwieback teething biscuit.
They still make em like they used to. They just don’t sell em for what they used to. I’m keeping
Grandpappy’s can opener. I love my wife but in my will, I’m leaving it to the Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-
Chance Diner cause they will appreciate it.
Mumford Pickens says, “A pessimist is just somebody that doesn’t know any better.”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the Burger King. Big news, if you live in a town with
a Burger King and Popeyes Chicken. The folks that own Burger King are trying to buy Popeyes Chicken.
They’ll probably be some support groups started. You’re just gonna have to take it one meal at a time.
In related news, Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald have been seen on a secluded beach near
their Malibu home, spending time together and walking the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
Daylight Saving Time is coming on March 12. Setting your clocks forward is about as useless as a
man wearing a tie or turning on all your fans, facing em east, and spinning the world an hour faster.
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing
support of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.